Raising a neurodivergent child comes with unique joys and challenges. As parents, we often feel an intense pull to help, protect, and smooth the path for our kids—sometimes more than they actually need. While support is essential, so is stepping back and giving our children the space to try, struggle, and succeed on their own terms.

One of the greatest gifts we can offer our neurodivergent kids is confidence in themselves, not just comfort in our help.

Confidence Comes From Doing

Confidence isn’t something we can give our kids—it’s something they build through experience. They grow their sense of self by trying, failing, adjusting, and succeeding. This process can look different for neurodivergent children, who may need more time, creative approaches, or scaffolding to reach their goals—but the core remains the same: they need the chance to do it themselves.

As Dr. Daniel Amen brilliantly says:

“If you are doing too much for your child, you are increasing your self-esteem by stealing theirs.”

As adults, we are pretty good at multitasking and understanding teachers’ expectations and coming up with creative ideas for projects. And when our kids succeed, it can make us feel successful, too – like we’re good parents because our kid got an A on a paper. And it can feel like we’re the worst parent in the world when our kids become frustrated or even fail.

When we rush to tie our child’s shoes, speak for them in social situations, or rescue them from tasks that feel hard, we may be unintentionally sending the message: I don’t think you can do this. Over time, this can chip away at their confidence and independence.

Why Doing Less Helps More

Neurodivergent children—whether they’re autistic, ADHD, dyslexic, or have other unique wiring—often face more barriers in everyday life. It’s natural to want to soften those edges for them. But doing everything for them can rob them of essential life experiences that build capability and resilience.

Here’s why letting kids do things themselves is so powerful:

• 🌱 It builds mastery. Every time they complete a task, they collect evidence that they can.
• 🧠 It grows problem-solving skills. When things don’t go smoothly, they learn to adapt.
• 💪 It strengthens self-trust. They start believing, I can figure things out.
• ❤️ It shows respect. We communicate that we see them as capable people.

How to Step Back (Without Letting Go Entirely)

It’s not about abandoning your child to struggle alone. It’s about scaffolding their success. You can be nearby, encouraging and available, while still letting them lead.

Try these approaches:

• ✔️ Break tasks into steps. Often kids feel overwhelmed when faced with a big project, but you can help them break the task into smaller, more doable components. This not only scaffolds the process for them but also teaches them valuable executive functioning skills.
• ✔️ Allow more time. Rushing leads to taking over. Build in extra minutes for them to try at their own pace.
• ✔️ Use curious questions. Instead of stepping in, ask: What do you think we should try next? or How would you like to do this?
• ✔️ Celebrate effort, not just success. Praise their trying, sticking with it, and problem-solving.
• ✔️ Be okay with imperfect. It’s more important that they do it than that it’s done “just right.”

Your Growth Matters Too

It can feel uncomfortable to watch your child struggle. It’s tempting to jump in because their frustration feels like your failure. But letting go of perfection, control, and speed is part of our growth as parents. Confidence—ours and theirs—is built in these brave, everyday moments.

The truth is:

Your child doesn’t need you to make life easy. They need you to believe they can handle hard things.

By stepping back, you’re not doing less—you’re giving them more. More opportunities to rise, to own their abilities, and to know deep in their bones: I am capable.

Need a reminder?

Here’s a helpful handout to download and print.

Amy Weber, LCSW