By Amy Weber
From first grade through fourth grade, I had a very best friend and a small friend group. I was never the popular kid, but I felt solid in my social standing – people to sit with at lunch, girls to jump rope with at recess, invitations to playdates, birthday parties, and sleepovers.
And then my dad’s job changed and we moved to another state, just in time to start fifth grade. In fifth grade, the cliques were already formed and it was really hard to break into a new friend circle. I was still invited occasionally for playdates or birthday parties, but I felt like the kids were just tolerating me- not including me because they really liked me. It was a rough four years marked by fighting, gossiping, loneliness, feeling excluded, and being an excluder.
So why am I sharing this? Because, while tween friendships in 2025 may feel a lot more dramatic than they did in the 1980s (Phones! Group texts! Social Media!), there are many common themes that are still very present for early adolescents:
- Identity formation. The tween years are the start of kids trying to figure out who they are, what they value, and where they fit in.
- Social belonging and peer acceptance. Tweens and teens are desperate to be accepted by a group, and there’s a shift to focusing on fitting in, conforming to group norms, and seeking validation from peers.
- Navigating change and conflict. Middle school is a time of rapid change, both in personal development as well as social dynamics. Friend groups shift quickly, and friendships are impacted by changing interests, peer pressure, and conflicts that arise from differing personalities or perspectives.
Thankfully, there are lots of strategies you can use to support your child through middle school friendship drama.
- Be a good listener. The number one thing that my tween clients wish their parents understood is how much they need a good listener in their lives. “My mom makes so many assumptions about me, about my friends, and about our relationships!” said an 11-year old. “I wish she’d listen and not give advice or judge me!” It is SO HARD to just listen and not jump into suggestions or problem solving mode, especially when there are big feelings involved. But it’s super important to let your child vent and really try to understand their perspective without offering suggestions or feedback. If your child wants help, they will absolutely ask you for it. But give them the space to ask.
- Take a deep breath. You are about to hear all sorts of stuff you wish you didn’t know. You may be triggered, remembering your own middle school friendship drama. You may be angry or sad when you hear that your child is being treated poorly by other kids. You may feel embarrassed when you find out what your child wrote in the group chat. Regulating your own feelings is really important while you’re helping your child regulate their own feelings.
- React slowly. Take their concerns seriously. But keep in mind that many times these things work themselves out. Friendship dynamics shift quickly at this age, and kids often forget problems or correct them on their own. Direct parental intervention should be a last resort.
- Remind your tween how real friends act (and model that for them in your own friendships!). Words like trustworthy, respectful, kind, good listener, and supportive might come to mind.
This can feel SO PAINFUL when your child is in the thick of it. Offer yourself some compassion (I love Kristin Neff’s work) and self-care during these turbulent times. It will make it (slightly!) easier for you to show up with empathy for your child, and it will help you feel more rooted in the face of a meltdown. You will also be modeling healthy ways of managing stress and disappointment for your child.
And hold onto the fact that things do get better. By the time I started 9th grade at a new high school, I found a new friend group. Was there still drama? Absolutely! But as I became increasingly more confident in myself and my own identity and values, it became easier to manage the ups and downs of adolescent friendships.